5/14/94

We are rewriting our histories

You said that you watched me watch her die
I thought about that for days
Did you,
were you making this up?
My old answer;
that is the way it feels,
making it up is the way it feels
to start seeing,
then you know.
And I closed my eyes
took it seriously
this is an important poem
and I too, looked closely at her death
and I saw you over my head, our heads,
blessing us and sending love.
I saw you protecting me loving me
more deeply than I have ever been loved before.
And the next morning I felt better
I was restructured, my past was new
It was a past where I was loved and protected,
blessed.
At my dear friend and teacher’s
she told how she takes patients back to their own, their mother's births
they see, then they rewrite the history
they make themself loved they make their mother loved
they forgive and they change
in front of their eyes
their body changes into the body of a loved one
rejection anger abandonment abuse shed, come off
are replaced by care and love.
And because the soul does not know time and space
all is forgiven
the love is new
their body is new
their would is new.
and then I understood.
We are rewriting our histories.
I am now protected in her death
I am now loved by my mother
she is cute
I love her unconditionally.
We rewrite my mothers love
you were there taking care of me
while my mother...
my love softly, almost a whisper
I was there while he attacked you
I watched
you left your body
you came up to me
and I held you so softly
I kissed away your tears
stroked your face
over and over again.
Time stopped
you were soo beautiful
you were holy then.
I held your hand
I gazed into your eyes
do you remember now?
My love, softly a whisper,
I was there when your winds whirled
when your vulva opened
when you awakened to your body.
You were whirling down below
all you energy tingling
your vagina alive again
and you came up to me
I was always there above you
you were never without me my love
and I simply held you close
very tight but ever so gently
I swallowed the whirling wind
sucked it into me ate it
you felt calmness became softer
do you remember now?
My love, so softly
I was there when he left you
thunder crashes tears flow you open open
you are cut deep wounded
you scream out in agony pain
I came down to you
you were huddled in your corner
ugly in despair your chest open
your heart ripped out
and I lifted soo gently
I cradled you in my arms
I carried you upward
I flew with you in my heart
in my breath
in my loins
I kissed your chest
I put my face into your wound
my breath put your heart back together
it expanded we were both n there together
an electric energy surrounded us
we disappeared
all that was there was a tingling
a buzzing
healing pure love
Your heart grew back whole full
and stayed open for me
I licked your wound inside for days weeks months
do you remember?
You never have been alone.
My love
I was there when you were with him
when you started to die inside to harden
to get confused
I was above you
you came to me so softly
stronger this time
I smiled at you gently held out my hand
I stroked your face so gently
I brushed my hand over your nipples so lightly
with total love
you have never been alone my love
I have been there for you forever
I have always loved you
you have always been loved and protected.
My love, I was there when you saw me
I was up far up above our bodies
You were beautiful beyond measure
your joy was immense vast
I rejoiced I was so happy.
I lifted you right up to me
I kissed your lips directly
and I down below
I looked you in the eyes for the first time in this lifetime
do you remember
I have always been there for you
you said that you saw me in your dreams
it was much more my love.
My love when I was two you sat next to me
on the beach you looked in my eyes
and I let my light out for the first time in this life
my mother could not bear it
it blinded her
you called it to you
you called me to you
you were not born yet
I remember I have never been without your love
I have never been alone.
My love when I was hurt
I rose
you were waiting
you held me
I cried, "why" I said
"I love you", you said
you held me in your arms cradled my sorrow
washed me clean
And told me to attack
I went back down confronted him told him to leave
and blessed him
forgive him you said
you touched me from above with your immense love
I forgave him, I could stay.
My love, you were there when I was with my mother
She was so cruel
you said "my love, it is all right
she does not mean it she is sweet
she was hurt
this is not her."
We went back together
we licked her wounds forgave her deeply.
I know now I have never been alone
you have been here with me forever
my love when I left my old work
I was lost I felt overwhelmed attacked
completely alone
You reached down ad gently picked me up
you lifted me and held me gently
you kissed me soo softly
stroked my face
told me I was beautiful beyond measure
Mary as I watched her last breath
in the perfect peace of our bedroom
of all the universe
out of space and time completely
you were all around
not even in one place
I was surrounded by your love
it was now so immense
I could not ever be without it.
Listen there is more
before your birth
before my birth
back back.
I'm sleepy now it is 3:30 A.M.
I had to let this one out
it cried mother father let me out
I let them out
you let them in.
Soo my love, for me intense
maybe the most intense yet
we are rewriting our histories
I know this is bold reckless
maybe even dangerous
but this I know
my love here is another circle
my love, softly, a whisper
I was there
at your birth
she cried inside you smiled
You came up to me
I was always overhead
you said "it was harder than I expected"
"I warned you", I said
you laughed "I didn't believe you this time"
"I know" I said
So like we always did, I held you
I kissed your forehead
I stroked you tiny wet face
"we are swimming" you said
Up here you were vast
your usual size
but whenever you were born
it was so beautiful
Each time I greeted you
we were so happy
so surprised so ready.
Do you remember?
"My love, I love you
my love I was there at your birth
I watched over you and your sweet mother
She needed lots of help
she was so frightened and drugged.
I kissed her so gently and said
'you're sweet, I love you mother'
You came up to me shaken confused
'my love' I said
this one won't be easy
we laughed you were still shivering
And I covered you, held you and rocked you
and woke you up with kisses
I covered you with my kisses my sweet love.
You opened your tiny eyes and smiled
You're here oh my love you make me so happy
relief joy surprise I am always surprised
for I am new again and she is always.
My love you have been, are, with me in my hours
inside me
I see through your eyes am you
but now we have traveled further
you are with me in my past
you are now
a part of my memories
when I remember, you are there
when I remember, I see through your eyes
I am you.
My love, so softly, I was there at your mother's birth
I held her hand...
my love I was there at your mother's birth
my love, I was there at your grandmother's birth
my love, I was there...
my love, I was there at all the births
my love, I was there at all the births
my love I was
my love I was
my love I
my love I
my love
my love
love
.